Garbage.

I thought it would only take a moment.

It did take only a moment.

Now these passing moments move fast, yet slow at the same time, the pace wracking my brain with rose like patterns.


I hate some things I am aware of.
I hate that I know you're with him.
I hate his smirks and disgusting confidence.
I hate the lustful look in his eye when he looks at me, then to you.
I hate his snickering and distasteful joking.
He picks up bad habits and has won you over in using them.
I hate that he takes up your time.
I hate that you told me at least twice that he's not the one for you.
I hate that you go after him because he is such a smooth talker.
You push and pull with him, and in my selfishness I feel left out.
I don't like who you are today, and don't like where you're going.

I feel like the trash.  I was used and it was time to discard.
Discarded.  Like trash on garbage day.

Grounds

Cascading down your mountain, we go together.  There is no thought of loneliness - only the thought of protecting the other.  There is a dominance in our stances as we give each other more than second glances, and we pray that our days will not end in empty satisfaction.
Is empty satisfaction.  Contradiction.  Empty satisfaction would be about as similar as no satisfaction.

Sounds and movements to create the music, the lips make the sounds we tap our feet to.
These things are different than the twisting and tinkering of the outdoor sounds of mother nature, singing her children to sleep and to wake.

Broken communication.
We forget to relate to each other as humans do.  We are reading each other like books, and spoken word sometimes becomes the figment of our imagination.  We need not say anything in some of these moments.

Did I say anything?

Did anything protest within me, or did I just merely go on for the ride?  Was it wrong for me to jump on this tide like some West Coast surfer, taking this wave til it crashes, perhaps crushed beneath the waves, or euphoric because I mastered the driving.  This is why we need driver's licenses.

Some people should never be allowed to drive.
Maybe we should all just stop riding in cars and make a lot of trains.  Maybe we should walk and ride our bikes more.  Maybe we should just get our horses out.  But PETA wouldn't like that would they.  That would be too cruel to the horse.
Forget John Wayne in the wilderness.  I'll take my city scape and eat it for dinner.  I won't like the taste, but I will still feed upon its business.  I don't know if I will really want to write down the recipe, for a few bites usually are enough.  As you ingest and digest I suspect it does something to destroy your inside inner working with your closeness to the earth.

To be disconnected from the ground beneath your feet by some concrete or some rubber sole of your shoe.

Take off your shoes.  Know the ground upon which you stand.

Grains of sand.

The earth spins around while the people fall down.

I need to go to the grocery.
And get lots of things.

This happens every week or so.
Amazing how many things we think we need.
Amazing how many things will end up going bad in our refrigerator.

Amazing.

Smacking the forehead in astonishment at how much money I can spend.  Oh, to be more self sufficient and not needing a 'store'.

Are we a breed of survivors?  I don't know.
I just know I'm so deep in my thoughts it is like swimming, and real sound is an underwater current that I cannot comprehend.  Water wash me away like the grains of sand.

Gladys and Pancakes.

My world has been quiet.  In a quiet way, I've been happy.  I've known contentment and peace being still.

A knock at the door.

Another face, another day, another moment to pass exchanging information like the regurgitating of a history book, informing its reader the contents of the book that they are spending time on, reading.  If you don't give them the information fast enough, they put the book down and move on.

It seems that when I read a novel, there needs to be a lot to envelope me in order to keep me reading.  Imagine how many books there are in the world.  Now imagine all the time it takes to read them.  What books do you spend your time on?  I find my self most pleased when I'm reading mindless books of science fiction, forcing me to use my imagination, which, lucky for me, is right beneath my eyelids.  I have a good gift at envisioning pictures and flat out...imagining.

I want to turn back times and fix moments where I was too confused to care about anyone else.  I want to erase words that I have said that, in fact, have hurt others.  I long to rewrite a few chapters, as I was in a 'bad state of mind' and ruined other peoples plans.

Sometimes I think at the core of me, I long to please people.  BUT, I remember how selfish I am and know this cannot be true.  Are most people really just trying to get what they want, whatever that is, and are they manipulating everyone around them constantly to get what they long for...?  Are there are a lot of people that need to go into the acting profession?  Why do we even know the difference between good acting and bad acting. (rhetorical question.)

My novel longs to be science fiction, but it is stuck in reality.  I feel stuck between two worlds all the time.  Is this why I can procrastinate so well?  OR do I just not think fast enough to satisfy those around me that are waiting on my slow molasses self?

Molasses.  Who ever just put some on pancakes and was glad?

I knew a woman named Gladys.  Her front toes were cut off by a lawn mower.

I have splatter painted sweatshirt that says street radical, but I don't really know what that means.

My mind is an open ended thought machine today not forming coherent lines.  You are reading the symptoms of my bubble brained thinking.  Feel privileged.  I know I do.

Anguishing.

Its not always easy being honest.  Sometimes you cannot be.

How do you keep someone else safe?  Is lying and keeping them oblivious the option for the sake of their best interest of not being hurt, or do you hurt them.
Do you let your honesty make you the monster again?
Why is me in my honest self such an instrument that can cause so much anguish?

Spoken Word. Word.

"Even the relationships that are seemingly dead affect us still. So I'm learning and my heart is brimming. I'm taking my time."
-Calista Pratt


I'm taking my time, even though I don't want to. My heart is brimming like the coffee that brimmed over and splattered my hands today. Overflowing to a degree.


There are new relationships that are affecting me now. I think I know how this works between us, but as days pass and new situations arise, I find my emotional state frazzled and frayed at your face, and your words, and the color of you. I still get lost in your eyes - the reflecting gaze and mannerisms that catch me off guard. I see so much of myself in you and I don't know how to sit still when I feel the weight of our pairing.


Our relationship was dead for years, and yet here we are, celebrating a year of spoken word to one another.
We know more and less than we ever have before and some days, we do not know how to take it.
How do we shake the dead things off and collect the good memories like marbles for our marble jar?


Not a lot of people have marbles anymore.
Maybe we all lost them.






This coffee is dark.
Maybe I will stir in these thoughts for awhile, making note of
Psalm 131
"O LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high. I do not occupy myself with things too great for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time forth and forevermore."

To calm and quiet your soul like a child weaned from its mother. A child that is quiet and does not whine and beg and scream when things don't go their way while riding in the cart through the grocery store. A child that is quiet and patient, following mom while she gets things the family needs.

Scribblets

I had a dream last night that I can't really begin to understand. It had to do with wolves and lions. People were dying. This whole thing was not pleasant to say the least.

I do feel confused about a lot of things.

I'm confused about my job. I'm confused about getting another one. I'm confused about school. I'm confused about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm confused about what I want to do in the next few days. I'm just puzzled.

Is puzzled, confused?

No. Puzzled makes me think of putting pieces in place. Confused is like, there isn't even a color...its more like, figuring out the right shade for a painting or something. I miss painting.

And I need to do more of that, SOON.

I have songs I need to get recorded.

I have accompaniment I need to make for a class./

I have 2 projects in one class of the mixing music sort, and another large project (that might end up overlapping belongs to music tech class.) I really want to learn more about music tech.

AND. I want to declare a major but I'm not sure if PROMUSIC is what I want to do. Maybe something like Coloring. Oh, wait. I left that at the last few schools I transferred from. I enjoyed telling people that coloring was my major.

Scribblets.