Blame

I would like to point out that bubble tea is amazing.  I would like to point out that I love egg rolls from the egg roll cafe, especially the crab ragoon, and the spinach and feta.  Eat your heart out.

I feel oppressed by nothing more than my own thoughts, more often than not the past few weeks.  They come in and push down and crunch too many things inside of my head and I have trouble keeping focus.  I have trouble finding where to go next, or what to do next.  I have trouble walking around and thinking clearly.  I am clearly not clear.  I am lost within a mind that is filled with doors that lead me to places I don't always want to go.  The doors open merely by word association most days.  I am lost in word association within most conversations.  I am taunted by past events, past days.  I am laughed at by my own mocking self within the mirror.

I'm trying to figure out what to do after I know whether I am into Berklee or not.  Go back to Ohio, go to Michigan, stay in Massachusetts, move into the city...so many different areas alone taking attention.

I'm bored and boring without a job, even though I'm overwhelmed with my own thoughts.  You think too much, Emily.

Emily turn your brain off.

That will be the title of a book.  Who would read it?  The dust would read my book on the shelves.

When things fall apart, they have the potential to become something else.  They do become something else entirely.  Something broken that becomes another shape and form that can potentially be a beautiful thing.

Do I go or do I stay.  Reason for coming at all: learning to forgive someone I did not completely recognize that I needed to forgive.  Forgive.  Now to choose it daily.  How do we do that?  How do you do that?  Do people deserve your forgiveness, whatever the crime?  No one deserves forgiveness.  I suppose that is the point, even though we want to forgive and don't want to forgive equally.  The choice is plain, to live with pent up hostility, pent up anger, or to live without those things, to move on, to breathe again.

Maybe we just forget how to breathe.  I forget more than I'd like.  I forget a lot of things.

Like doing my laundry, or picking up the rooms, or cleaning dishes.  I am at fault as much as I want to blame.

I forget that big nugget.