Learning about a lot of new things. Like what is going on inside my head.
Too often, I find things unfinished inside my brain. Too many things vying for my attention. I'm the idiot that keeps bouncing around, lacking the discipline sometimes to focus on one idea and see it through in its entirety before starting something new.
Time for some discipline. Are we disciplined at all? I find that though some of the coolest things are done by chance in art, a lot of the crazy ideas that capture us and perplex us are the ones that were well thought out, or the artist really mulled through the project and worked through it...when you view or hear the piece you hear the artist wrestling with the ideas and things proposed. You can almost see them going mad over the ideas in the work, solving the problems, or thinking through to the solutions.
We long for some sort of solution and resolution. We long and crave for it, but what happens when we find the deceptive resolution...instead of going back to the root chord, it goes to the sixth, and our ears are fooled. We don't hate it, yet something somewhat unexpected happened, and it was just...different, and almost had a 'sweeter' effect to us.
In our lives we get so frustrated when it does something we don't expect, but if I lived the days as I have planned them, I would probably live the most boring and dull life. My imagination would face no challenges, I would be in a box of my schedule, and I would never embrace chance to find and soak in the random of my day...the beautiful things God puts before us and lets us experience. The different people I can choose to interact with, or really listen to for once...the colors in the grain of wood in this coffee table I sit at, the patterns the clouds are making across the gray sky....
I wonder if we dig into these things that we could dig into.
I long to interact with my world more than I ever planned to, and though the unexpected makes me uncomfortable, shouldn't I live it? This is the life I have to live? Why am I ignoring what is around me, waiting for the next 'planned' event of mine to sweep me off my feet....I cannot forget these moments and I cannot live in the future, 'waiting' for my next break from school, or 'waiting' until the next concert I'm going to, or 'waiting' until I'm finished with a project, or '''''fill'intheblank''''.
Our opportunities are crunching in our ears, a loud bowl of Raisin Bran, -two scoops ahead, so loud I can't do anything else but listen to the teeth grinding the...
and I digress.
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I experience this tension a lot. I think it's kind of like my left brain and right brain battling it out. I feel the strong need to get things done and adhere to a schedule, yet I also feel the pull of friends or the sun or a book or a nap that all beckon me to take the time and appreciate life. Not to say that I haven't grown and learned through my papers and reading assignments, but there is sometimes a hesitation to do them. The motivation is extrinsic until I start doing it and realize that some intrinsic growth happens as well. I think this is my challenge; to acknowledge upfront that academics can be as joyful a form of worship as my free-time activities.
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